George Santos Plays Hide-out
Feb. 6, 2023
Statement from the Office of the Honorable George Santos
For Immediate Release
Representative George Santos (R-NY) today announced that he will no longer participate in “media-orchestrated perp walks” between his office in the Longworth House Office Building to the Capitol.
“I had hoped that these daily perambulations, in addition to fulfilling my Fitbit-mandated step requirements, would be occasions for me to ponder how to best to serve my constituents,” Representative Santos said. “Sadly, the left-wing-dominated media have made this impossible by turning them into Bataan Death Marches.”
Representative Santos will instead remain sequestered in his office except when needed for meetings with lawyers and investigators (and House votes).
Feb. 8, 2023
BREAKING NEWS: SANTOS ALLEGES ASSAULT
WASHINGTON — Representative George Santos claimed on Monday that he was “grievously wounded” when a reporter “attacked me with an iPhone as I was on my way to the Capitol to serve the needs of my constituents in New York’s fabulous Third District.”
Santos said the “assault caused severe trauma” and necessitated “being helicoptered” to an unspecified hospital, where “surgeons worked heroically on me for 9½ hours to remove the iPhone embedded in my thorax.”
Santos said he would be withdrawing further from public view, remaining in his office at all times. Aides could be seen carrying a king-size mattress and an Xbox console into his House suite.
Feb. 10, 2023
CITING ‘TRAUMATIZED’ THORAX,
SANTOS SAYS HE WILL BE UNABLE
TO ANSWER ONGOING QUESTIONS
‘FOR FORESEEABLE FUTURE’
WASHINGTON — Representative George Santos said he would no longer be leaving his House office to meet with lawyers and investigators because he needs to recuperate further from recent injuries.
“I can only focus on the facts when I’m laying down, under the covers,” Mr. Santos said.
Feb. 11, 2023
Statement from the Office of the Honorable George Santos
For Immediate Release
Representative George Santos (R-N.Y.) announced that because of his “ongoing recovery after being viciously attacked by a member of the liberal media,” he will be unable to attend his 15th class reunion at the Horace Mann School this spring.
Santos expressed “profound regret” at not being able to “participate in the joyous occasion and share memories with my classmates.”
Further, he said, “My time at Horace Mann was literally unbelievable,” adding that he continues “to live up to Horace Mann’s admonishment that ‘One should be ashamed to die until one has done something for humanity.’”
Feb. 14, 2023
CITING PAIN FROM VOLLEYBALL
KNEE SURGERIES, SANTOS WILL SKIP
BARUCH BEARCATS PLAYOFF
AGAINST MONTCLAIR STATE
Feb. 17, 2023
LOCH NESS MONSTER AND YETI-THEMED JESTS
PROLIFERATE AS CAPITOL HILL ASKS, ‘WHERE’S GEORGE?’
Still-Embattled Representative Not Seen
In Public Since Vacating Committee Seats
Feb. 18, 2023
SPEAKER MCCARTHY ‘UNCONCERNED’ BY SANTOS ABSENCE:
‘WE KNOW HOW TO REACH HIM IF NEEDED’
Feb. 20, 2023
POLL: Majority of N.Y. Third District Voters
‘Strongly Approve’ Of Santos Disappearance;
Express ‘Fervent Hope’ He Stays In D.C., Not L.I.
Feb. 21, 2023
Statement from the Office of the Honorable George Santos
For Immediate Release
Representative George Santos (R-N.Y.) today announced, “Contrary to reports in the Democrat-dominated media that I have been quote-unquote AWOL, I have been fully engaged, 24/7, working to serve the needs of New York’s wonderful Third Congressional District.”
Mr. Santos stated, “I am offering a new model of effective leadership — less is more. The less you see of me, the more everyone will be happy.”
He expressed his “heartfelt desire” that he will someday be able to “leave my office and visit with the amazing people of NY3, including the 77 percent whom pollsters falsely claim despise me.”
Feb. 23, 2023
Santos Says That He Will Continue
To Work From Office, ‘Pending Exoneration’
By House Ethics Committee, F.E.C., S.E.C.,
F.B.I., I.R.S., C.I.A., Capitol Police, Postal Service
And U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service
Feb. 24, 2023
Uproar on Capitol Hill As C-SPAN Cameras
Show Santos In Female Attire Casting Yea
Vote To Strip Rep. Omar Of Committee Seats
Feb. 25, 2023
House Speaker McCarthy Defends Santos ‘Fashion Choice,’
Says Representative Was ‘Only Trying To Maintain Low Profile’
Feb. 26, 2023
Santos Says He Has Obtained A ‘New Invisibilty Cloak’;
“You’ll Miss Me When I’m Gone,” Embattled Rep Says
Christopher Buckley’s books include “Make Russia Great Again,” “Thank You for Smoking” and his latest novel, “Has Anyone Seen My Toes?”
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